A Workplace How to Guide: How to Read A Credit Card Number

How to Read a Credit Card Number:
A Workplace How to Guide

I have held a variety of interesting jobs since my first job, daycare assistant, 19 years ago at age 15.  I have worked with children at daycare, children at the McDonald’s Play Place (and their kids…), a teacher’s union, an auto parts store, several chiropractic offices, an engineering firm, and a big, neighborly insurance company.  I’ve encountered children and adults throwing fits, people in extreme pain, people in a hurry, people that don’t know how to work their computers, smart people, less than smart people. I’ve had great questions, less than great questions and funny questions.

Now, I work in customer service for a company that provides basic services…you know, like heat and water.  And more than children throwing a fit, an insured whose car was totaled or home burned to the ground; I speak with very upset people on a daily basis.  Name calling, swearing and yelling can become “the usual” in this line of work.  And it's ok; I smile and use my “phone voice” in an attempt to calm them.  Now, you may be thinking I’m about to tell you how to be nice to your customer service representative – maybe on a later date.

Today, my primary directive is to explain HOW TO READ A CREDIT CARD NUMBER.  “But that’s so simple,” you may say.  No. Apparently it is not so simple.  Here is a list of several things that are unnecessary and/or just less than good ideas when reading your credit card number to your friendly customer service representative.

What Not to Do:

·         Turn into a robot.  That’s right – it’s unnecessary to use your awesome robot voice to read me your card number.  I understand people talk.  Beep beep boop beep.

·         Be a truck driver.   “Three – four – six – niner” Its ok to just say “nine”.  Promise.  Over and out.

·         When I ask, “Would you like to use a Visa or Mastercard?”  Don’t say, “Yes.”  Cause I actually need to know which one.  K, thanks.

·         Don’t spew out your card number, expiration date and CVV code before we ask for it – chances are we aren’t ready if we didn’t ask.  Nobody likes an over achiever.

·         When I say, “Ok, what is the card number?”  Don’t say:
     -  Oh I don’t know, let me go get it.  (Did you not know we were doing this right now?)
     -  Are you ready for the card number?  (Welp, I just asked for it so…yeah.)

·         Don’t read your card numbers 3 at a time.  That is nonsensical.  Also, no need to read them 2 at a time with a 30 second pause in between.  Just go ahead, 4 at a time, very brief pause, continue.

·         Lastly, don’t try to give us a fake card number.  There are a full 16 digits in the card.  Don’t give us your bank account number and tell us it’s a Visa.  Don’t tell us your expiration date is “ten,” then when we ask for the year say, “2012.”  C’mon, lady.  The only thing you’re helping me do right now is write a future blog.  You’re welcome.

Stealthy Selfie

We all have a specialty; a niche.  We all have a little something that we can do better than most people we know.  We revel secretly in the glory of our talents.  We wear them like a badge of honor.  Often, these personal life accomplishments shine even in the workplace.  For some it’s their amazing style; putting together outfits so perfect it’s like watching your coworker walk by draped in fine art.  For some it’s cooking.  You are instantly jealous of their lunch leftovers as the delicious scents waft from the break room microwave.  For others, their technical prowess elicits thoughts of phone upgrades and technological advances as they wander the office with cell phones larger than their faces and tablets that could soon take over the free world.  They are partially bionic, as though they’ve been assimilated.  

Now we’ve come to the ultimate talent that will be highlighted today: The Stealthy Selfie.  You know who you are.  You are a master of selfies; a selfie ninja.  Nobody ever knows when you’re admiring yourself on your front facing cell phone camera.  You slyly apply lip gloss before gracing your Facebook page with the latest in clandestine Cubicle Couture.  You leave your coworkers in awe wondering where they are during your complex photo shoots; how did you find that lighting? Is that my cubicle in the background? How long has that Starbucks cup been on my desk?

I have a coworker whom we shall call Zoey to protect her identity.  She does not possess the Stealthy Selfie gene.  She’s beautiful with a knack for style and adorable poses but she continuously gets caught mid-selfie.  Attempting to strike the perfect pose, she is interrupted.  Embarrassed, ashamed, she is the girl interrupted selfie taker.  Do you also suffer from this syndrome?  Zoey and I have put our heads together to come up with a comprehensive guide to help you meet your selfie needs.

How to become: The Stealthy Selfie Taker.

• Turn off your shutter sound.  Whether this means putting your phone on silent or downloading an entirely separate camera app, this step is imperative for a silent selfie.
• Memorize your coworkers break & lunch schedules.  It’s difficult to be covert with Joe Coworker walking by (catching you in the act and offering to take said picture for you...)  Practice the art of observation to find out when your peak selfie hours will be.
• Be a Boy Scout: come prepared.  If you’re being interrupted mid selfie, perhaps you need to come ready for the game.  Lip gloss on.  Scarf perfectly coifed.  These preparations will enable you to quickly snap that perfect pose.
• Know your angles.  Get your “good side” practice it at home!  This way you can avoid taking 26 pictures attempting to avoid double chin.
• Lighting, lighting!  Your cubicle probably has a “sweet spot.” You know - that place where you can pose yourself perfectly as to avoid the glaring fluorescent lights that make your otherwise matte, lovely skin look like you’re sweating olive oil.  Find the sweet spot, know it, and use it.
• Frame your photo.  That’s right – avoid being photo bombed by my Starbucks cup, or what I’m doing on my computer or my giant blue purse.  Unless your caption is going to say, “OMG, look at my crazy coworker’s giant blue purse, gaudy!”  Which brings us to…
• Props!  OMG, I totes had super good Starbucks today, see?  Here I am with my cup.  Or, I’m totes rockin’ my new earrings today, so adorbs.  Make sure you’ve got your props ready to go, friends!
• Your dress is SO cute!  And you NEED a full length selfie.  This requires a full length mirror.  Enter: the workplace restroom.  Hopefully there is more than one.  Your mission is to discover which one is occupied the least amount of time.  Now you can covertly document that oh-so-cute outfit.
• Lastly – and this was discovered just today – don’t take a selfie mid-conversation.  You WILL be caught!

I hope this list is helpful in your pursuit of camera self-love.  Make sure to hashtag your selfies with #stealthyselfie and let’s see how far it can go!

I miss you, mom.

I miss you, Mom.

And just like you, I enjoy writing.  Tonight I sat down and began to write all the ways I miss you, but there are far too many places and memories.  I tried to make it a poem but you were the poet, not me.  I tried to make it a song but I just remembered the way you awoke from your life support and asked for music.  We had wonderful moments.  We had challenging moments.  But there are no moments that can ever replace the time I had with you.  There are no memories sweeter than the ones we shared. No poem or song or even this, whatever it is; journal entry - can portray how deeply I miss you.  You are in Ashley, Dianna, Aunt Mary and Aunt Becky and, hopefully, me.

When you passed, you wanted to be cremated.  I told your best friend and your sisters that I believed we should spread you in the ocean; you loved the ocean.  Now, as the weekend to spread your ashes at the coast approaches, I can’t bear to part with you.  I have hidden your urn because it’s painful to see but I can’t seem to come to terms with parting with you either.  And I know it’s not really you.  I know you’re with Jesus and you’re healed and in heaven and it’s just the remnants of what you’ve left behind, but it’s you.  And I thought your favorite armoire or the fireplace you adored or your teddy bears and pictures would be enough to hold onto.  But without you here – without being able to touch you, hug you or snuggle with you on your giant recliner like I came home to do the very same day I moved out of your house for the first time – what’s left of you is all I have.  And I can’t part with it; at least not all of it.  A good friend suggested a compromise that I think will work nicely.  I’ll get to keep part of you near me and you’ll get to rest at the ocean.   You really loved the ocean.  

And I really loved you.  Love you, present tense.  I will always remember you in the most wonderful ways; as will everyone who ever knew you.  Love you always, Mom.

But first, a little about me...

Well, hello there.  My name is Julie, middle name Star.  Yep, my parents were hippies.  I'm in my thirties and, well, I guess you could say I'm loving it. :)  I enjoy writing and I'm semi-good at it.  I have decent grammar, but I make my mistakes (accidental and purposefully) so please give me grace as I begin my first, real blog!

I have a wonderful daughter, Ashley, who is almost 11 years old.  She's smart as a whip, clever, funny with just the right amount sass...most of the time!  We're still working on drawing the line at "appropriate" amounts of sass.  You'll read more about her in the future if you stick with me on this blog journey.

I'm just a random woman, living an ordinary life with my daughter, my friends and my cat, Richard Sherman. I'm a football fan (obviously), involved in my church, a connoisseur of gourmet macaroni and cheese, and a picture taking junkie.

So, you might ask yourself, why has this woman chosen to start a blog?  Well, because I want to, and God bless that first amendment, because I can!  I'd like to have an outlet for my emotions, thoughts and wit.  I'm told I'm sometimes humorous and at times, I believe I have thoughts that others might identify with.  I'm afraid to say, these posts are going to be all over the board.  Between my completely random, funny thoughts that I hope I can translate to just as funny in print, my daughter's hilarious statements that just pour out of her little face and my life events - my mother passed away recently - you may see just how turbulent my brain is. Hopefully it comes out as something that can make you laugh, cry or just roll your eyes at.  Either way, I've gotten your reaction. ;-)

Now onto the show!  Thanks for reading!